[Although the myth is filed under greek mythology, Ovid was roman, and so used roman names for the gods, which is what i also, will be doing for this…thing.]
Metamorphosis, the book of transformations; 250 myths, 15 books, and one funky little roman poet.
Oh Ovid, you beautiful bastard.
What would’ve Latin literature been without you?
This one’s for you.
Let’s dive into one of my favorite myths ever, the story of Iphis and Ianthe.
We start off at Phaestos, Crete in a small house of a simple, regular dude called Ligdus, who has a wife called Telethusa and you see, Telethusa is about to give birth. Now Ligdus is a very good, humble, honorable, practical man. He thinks just like any good man would think back in the day in a situation where the wife is about to give birth, he hopes that a) she gives the birth painlessly and survive the labor, and b) he hopes the child is a boy because, duh.
And if its not a boy, well then, like any good, humble, honorable, practical man, he’ll do the right thing and you know, murder her. (because, duh.)
So when he tells his wishes to Telethusa this in his whiny honey-i-know-female-infanticide-is-bad-and-all-and-this-is-literally-the-most-amoral-thing-ever-but-its-for-the-greater-good voice, she very obviously proceeds to freak the fuck out and have a mental breakdown.
“Oh my god she’s crying i’m out peace” and with that, he went out to chop some wood while his wife stared at the wall.
Classic, Ligdus.
Telethusa was found in her bedroom, crying her eyes out because she, very obviously, does not want her child, should it turn out to be a girl you know, DIE, while her nurse gave her a few occasional “there, there” pats in comfort as she proceeded to binge on olives as comfort food.
In despair, she called out to the gods in her sleep.
“GODS.”
“WHAT.” the gospel like voices roared back.
“MY HUSBAND’S GONE LOCO CRAZY-”
“WE BEEN KNEW SIS WHAT’S NEW.”
“-AND IS THREATENING TO KILL MY CHILD IF ITS A SHE.”
“Oh my me not this shit again.” she heard grumbling and a flash of lightning, a goddess she did not quite recognize, clad in white appeared in her chambers.
“Hello.”
“Lady Juno?”
“No, Isis.”
“Lady….Ceres?”
More grumbling and something along the lines of i don’t get paid enough for this shit, Isis heaved a sigh.
“I am Isis, the Egyptian goddess of life and magic and a crapload of other good shit, and i’m here to help you.”
“…okay….”
“Your child will be a girl”
“God fuc-”
“HOLD ON LET ME FINISH.”
“Your child, if it turns out to be a girl, don’t ever be ashamed to raise her, i’ll be like, looking out for you and her because i’m nice like that, so like, chill.”
“My lady i…i am forever in your debt, whatever shall i do for you-”
“Please don’t let anybody tarnish my name in the next millennia or so.”
“What-”
“K gotta go byeeeeeeeee”
Whoosh.
And so, the child entered the world, screaming and shrieking.
It was a beautiful baby girl.
Telethusa was about to lose it when,
“That’s a nice looking baby boy honey, well done!”
The nurse looked at Telethusa.
Telethusa looked at the nurse.
There was a moment of silence.
A nod.
A silent agreement.
Her husband was fucking dumb.
And so the girl was named Iphis, named after her grandfather…Iphis, and her mother silently thanked the gods her dumb husband chose a gender neutral name for their…son.
Ligdus loved his offspring like any good father, by being distant and giving the occasional good job pat when Iphis managed to chop a wooden log once every four years.
And for 13 motherflippin years he never got to know his son was a girl, way to fucking go, somebody get this man an award for being the most oblivous bastard in the history of oblivious bastards.
I digress, back to the story.
So one day Iphis was casually minding her business in the gardens, drinking milk and plucking flowers when this…beautiful, beautiful girl sat next to her.
“Hello, i am Ianthe. Your betrothed. Your father arranged a marriage between us because my dad’s like uber rich and stuff and i may or may not have been stalking you for a long time ever since i found out we had the same teachers for school, what is your name?”
“Gay- Iphis, my name is Iphis.”
Ianthe blinked and then smiled.
“So…” she leaned in to grab Iphis’ hand.
A million thoughts raced iphis’ mind.
She coughed loudly and announced to the flowers,
“I HAVE TO MONOLOGUE MY UNREQUITED SAPPHIC FEELINGS TO ANY INANIMATE OBJECT I CAN FIND, EXCUSE ME.” and pushed Ianthe out of her way to run over some flowers and find a secluded spot so she could burst into a monologue that would have Shakespeare quaking even though he won’t be around for like, a long, long time.
And so she monologued, she cussed out every single god she could list, including Hymen and Isis, then she cussed out Juno (or hera, take your pick.) for good measure, and then she went to her mother to cry some more. See, the thing is, Iphis really, really wanted to marry Ianthe, but if Ianthe thought she was going to marry a man and on the wedding day found out her husabando for laifu ended up being a waifu for laifu, shit would hit the roof. Plus Ianthe was already lowkey pissed that Telethusa kept postponing her marriage to Iphis, so the two and two would really not settle well and that made Ianthe very, very sad and Iphis very, very emo.
Iphis found her mother knitting in the kitchen.
“Mother, i have the case of the gay.”
“I know sweetie”
“Mother, straight historians will try to erase me.”
“I know sweetie.”
“Mother, tell Isis she needs pull up.”
“I only promise to try.”
“Love you mom.”
“Same.”
That night Telethusa clay tablet messaged Isis.
Yo isis, about that favor.
I gotchu homie, tomorrow, 9 am, my temple?
K cya
xoxo
And so the next day, they visited the temple of Isis, sat down, Telethusa took out Iphis’ ribbons and wrapped them around Isis’ altar and their own foreheads like naruto and prayed so fucking hardcore that the temple rattled and when Telethusa looked over to the side, she saw Iphis….changed, her hair was shorter, her voice deeper, and her chest was flat.
Iphis coughed and looked down onto the remnants of the now torn gown.
“I HAVE A WEE WEE.” he exclaimed deeply in fascinated horror.
Telethusa swore she saw the altar finger gun her.
She bro fisted it right back.
You a tru1
Iphis found Ianthe sitting near a river, her blonde hair flowing as she idly stared ahead.
Iphis sat next to her
“Iphis,” she started, “I know about you-“
Iphis made her look at him and held her hand.
Ianthe’s eyes widened in realisation.
“So.” he smiled.
She grinned right back.
They got married a day later and lived happily ever fucking after.
v's archive 