i wrote you a letter
when i was ten
i didn’t know it was for you
way back then
because the week after i wrote it
the universe brought me to you
that was the time i realized
there was more to us than just dirt and skin
there was magic in our intention, a galaxy within
i still have the yellowed letter
written in a cursive tone my mother tried imbibing onto me
the words aren’t straight, and the sentences make no sense
i wrote it in a daze, kept it in my book,
soon to be forgotten away
yet i can make out a sentence, that still makes me sway
“for two i say, let me hold your hand on a quiet november day.”
years have passed by, and my youth has aged away
we don’t fit the same shoes and are miles away
our realities far too incongruent, a triangulation at play
i spent my childhood in a melancholic, shy daze
yet i remember, everything about you in great detail
seven summers i spent with you, and three in wait
how your blazer was blue and mine, a bottle green
once i was ashamed of it,
i felt unclean
i couldn’t afford a blue one
but you told me green looked good on me
and i believed you, so now my world remains evergreen.
the small videos and lollipop wrappers
still fills me with glee
a digital archive for this archaic poet, dating me older and older
physically, far from you
mentally, still sitting in that chair, in a row behind you
the ground we once sat on
making plans to play video games at your house is dead and new
our lives have been changed greatly
but to me, you still feel brand new
i wish i ever got the chance
to play with you
i won’t try to pretty my words,
because we have been anything but pretty
but the memories i hold of you have been nothing short of
beautifully haunting
you would understand, an artist’s plight
for you’re too, a painter- holding onto grief
a deliberate exercise, to produce light
to make the story of us, be seen
i’m frightened by the intensity of my thoughts for you
i’m terrified of loosing the memories I have of you
the notion that you invoked this in me,
is something that chills me down to my bones
how could you ever become my home?
the human experience frightens me in every lifetime,
but like the helpless sailor, I’m sucked in your storm everytime
i could write a sea’s worth of poetry
when it comes to you
your name, to me, is a synonym for love
you’re worth the immortality of words
yet no matter how much I write, it won’t be enough
the fire, the hurt, the indifference, the love
it all amalgamates down to one thing only
your name, is a testament for all my firsts.
i wish i could tell you, how the stars love you
i wish i could tell you, how there will always be someone waiting for you
to come home
in a field, in white and green.
november winds cooling the warm afternoon under the tree.
i wish i could tell you in all the ways you kept me standing through a tsunami.
i wish i could tell you, you didn’t save me, but gave me a reason to stay.
it’s a cold night, and i’m sitting under this almost full moon
the cake has a single candle on it, and I’m playing your favorite tune
the cards told me, you once thought of me like this too
and to that i wonder, what did i do
to ever be thought by you, after all these years in exile, sitting in blue.
it was a privilege of a lifetime
to have known you
to have dreamed of you
to have seen you
for you, there will always be a light on
for you, there will always be a version of me eternally
pouring out love into your lifeform.
i’ve never been the one
to get things right on the first try
and all this grief in me
is the product of the failure that keeps me up at night
it is foolish of me, to ask for another chance
so i stay in this hurt, because even though it stings, it teaches me love
perhaps it is my penance
to hold you in my mind
and emulate you
forevermore,
or till I reach your height
and pray i see you once more
while we wear our masks and go along this life
wishing for things to be different
but acting like i’m okay, that we’re okay when our worlds are falling apart
it is difficult to speak of you
around the ones we once knew
through art and poetry is the only way
i can ever reach you
and i hope for us, in this world- it is enough.
the infiniteness of love that once poured out of me
hasn’t changed,
despite all that went down
no power in this world could ever change
my fondness for you
and the lessons I learned with you, from you
for you
so I carry you with my soul
love you in my mind
hold you in my heart
in silence, i love you everyday
paint you vivid, use my best paints
our lives have been changed greatly
so much so
that only in my unconscious state
with you, in all your love and glory
resting beside me
after a long, arduous journey called life
i touch your cheek and whisper,
welcome home.
v's archive 